Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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