Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
