Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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