We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
