I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
