Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
