She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
