someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
