i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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