She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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