I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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