When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I touched a dick in church today
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
