the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
