3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
