very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
