Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
