I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
