Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
