I want to stick my p in your. b.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
