If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
