I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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