Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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