my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
