My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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