the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
