That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
