Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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