I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
