I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
