i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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