He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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