Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
