My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
