Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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