I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
