No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
