Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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