Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
