every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
