i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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