apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize