Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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