My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
