Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
