ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
