Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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