k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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