Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
