Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
