The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
