its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
